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Erma Bombeck

Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

It goes without saying that you should never have
more children than you have car windows.

Don't go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

All I Know About Animal Behavior
I Learned in Loehmann's Dressing Room
"Consider the camel. He has yellow teeth, corns, and halitosis. . . . Don't tell me you haven't had a blind date that matches that description."   Erma Bombeck uses animal facts to lead off each chapter of this, one of her many books which take a humorous and good-natured, look at life in middle class America.