etg cover page | to purchase

© Shane Reiswig

Perfecting One's Body Parts by Nancy W. Woods Before getting on with my life, I needed just one thing. I needed to get my hands on a Wonder Bra. Click to read Essay Profile of Author Bio of Author from ETG Essay, Late-breaking Developments Author's Comment on the ETG Experience Updated Bio Click to Purchase Send email to the author (The copyright on this essay is held by the author.  For permission to duplicate: copyright@cunepress.com)

Perfecting One's Body Parts
Before getting on with my life, I needed just one thing. I needed to get my hands on a Wonder Bra. It was hot, it was English, and it could create cleavage where before none existed. In Portland, Oregon, the only place you could get a Wonder Bra was at Saks Fifth Avenue, where there was a waiting list 200 names long.

I gave Saks a jingle, then waited my turn. Several weeks later, a cardboard box appeared on my front step. I grabbed it and ran upstairs to the bedroom, where I ripped it open. Inside was another box, this one shiny and red.

"Take the plunge," the label read. "Nothing gives your bust or your confidence such a superb boost as the Gossard Super-Uplift." The undergarment boasted forty-six separate components and twenty-eight distinct sewing stages.

I pulled it out. What I held in my hand was stiff and bulky, not a piece of underwear so much as an appliance. Though covered with ribbons and lace, it was one serious piece of equipment.

What did I have to lose? I put the Wonder Bra on. At first I thought there must be some mistake—it was way too narrow across the front. But after I wiggled it into position, I could see what Gossard was up to. Without any visible winches or pulleys, the bra somehow took the body fat under my arms and corralled it up front, where it could do some good.

The effect was startling. When I looked in the mirror, not only did I have cleavage, but I felt like I had a tummy tuck as well. And there were other benefits. Inside each cup was a secret pocket and inside each pocket was a padded insert. What a great place to store a spare house key. With the Wonder Bra I could avoid breast enlargement and the risk of waking up one morning to find both saline implants down around my knees.

But the transformation didn’t come without a price, $39.50 to be exact. And while wearing it I did notice a certain difficulty in breathing. Like all shows, this one eventually came to a close. I removed the bra and put it back in the red box.

My body immediately sank back to its original shape, bringing relief. I felt less self-conscious, less aware of my body, and more aware of the need to accept myself.

I buried the box under a pile of socks, in the far corner of a dresser drawer, then walked back downstairs. Then it hit me. My problem wasn’t too-small breasts. It was too-big feet. What I needed was Wonder Shoes. If I could just get my hands on a pair, my body would finally be perfect, and I could actually live the rest of my life.

Profile
When I spotted her, Nancy W. Woods was sitting in the Coffee Cow—a restaurant in northeast Portland with a stuffed cow sitting on a bike above the tables. I sat down beside her. She gulped down a double-tall latte while describing her next essay, "In Defense of the Afternoon Nap."

"As a society, we need to sleep more," Woods insisted. "Think of all the crime that could be avoided if people would just go home and go to bed."

Woods should know. She comes from a long line of nap takers, people who fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Which should explain why she came to writing so late in life. For years she slept, when she wasn’t delivering mail, shooting wedding photos, or selling prescription drugs. Only recently did she dust off the portable Olivetti her parents gave her for leaving home. She’s been writing between naps ever since.

Today she lives in Portland’s Hollywood district—which means that she gets to call herself a "Hollywood writer" without actually living in LA.

—Twyla Jasperson

Bio
Nancy W. Wood
Place of residence: Portland, Oregon.
Birthplace: Fairbanks, Alaska.
Grew up in: Fairbanks, where infected mosquito bites and frostbite are chronic childhood ailments.
Day job: Avoiding one so far.
Anthology: Common Journeys.
Serial publications: The Oregonian. Heartland.
Broadcast: Oregon Public Radio.
Award: A rejection letter signed by Robert Gottlieb.
Current project: Columnist for The Woman’s Journal in Portland.
Favorite book: Trees to Know in Oregon by Charles R. Ross (available free or very cheap through the Oregon State University Extension Service).
Belief: "Hell is other people."—J.P. Sartre.

Click to
Purchase
Return to ETG cover page

Cover | Skills | Essays | Travel |  History | Fiction | Poetry | Reviews | Ordering | Books Online